Happy New Year

Happy and new,
I'll let you know
when I feel either of those two

Grim and grave,
what is it that isn't at stake?

Party hard tonight
and let it all swim out
what's left behind is done
and what lies ahead
is separated by a shadow of doubt

In the old and the untold,
in the comfort
and the bitter hold of the cold
We surmise our long lost days

And is it really present if
it is too much of past tonight
Is it well let up
if the darkness within I can't hide

What is more excruciating,
silence or pain,
holding or letting go and turning sane,
rising or falling before and after again?

Wise men say
time will heal what memories hold
but time witnessed it all to well
and herein my objectivity
begins to swell

And I can't but help dwell
in this prism of cyclic shame
Am I still losing
if it all seems the same?

Renew, renew...
renew those vows
until they wow one and all
and seem wondrous again

And take them to bed when
you sleep tonight
so when you wake up next
you're not searching for purpose
the morning next

Let's dream aside
from the bitter array
of the remnants I've long slept
with to reach the lasting
purpose that has long
brushed hopeful dreams aside

Let's aim for a brighter new ray of light...

Solitude

In your silence
in your cry
in your patience
in your persona
and in your truth
in your pain
and in your tears
in your laughter
and in your fears
in your thoughts
in your absence
and in your hold
in your no's
and in your woes
in your warmth
and in you wrath
in your haste
and in my snatch
in your afterglow
and that feeling of high and low
in my desires
and in your sanity
in my dreams
and in your realities
in your truth
and my loyalities
in your forthrightness
and in my unending persistence
in your rejection
and in my pestilence
in life's irony
and in your jokes
in my plight
and in your flight
in your strength
and in my might
in your walls
and in my voice
in your resolve
and in my your-choice
in your absoluteness
and my foray
in my complexity
and your sunlight
in my lips
and in your eyes
in my actions
and in your answers
in my nothingness
and in your nobility
in my calm
in your hurt
in your unbelonging
and to my fate
in your denial
and in my running late
in all the fanfare
and your telltale absence
and in being on hold
in your temper
and in my being inane
I find myself feeling to be wanted again...

A lot like love

its not sudden
but it's there,
somewhere, I can be sure
it's well hidden
yet I can't be more aware
I can feel the poke,
its gingerly tantalizing to the core

I know its been enough spoken and
written about,
felt and felt more and more

The feeling in a feeling
and the joy in revealing
and the aftertaste or losing
and not wanting to need
anything or anyone any more...

A lot like love
or I wouldn't know of any thing pure...

You tell me it's not describable,
it's not describable for sure,
you tell me it's not controllable
controls don't work,
this itch has no cure,

we are but all victims
of this feeling pure

There is nothing
anyone can do or say
and what do I say to that,
when you feel it, you can best be sure...


There is no reason
why you wouldn't want to let yourself,
those three words, hear or say

Tears are wonders
words can't express
and fears and blunders
to which I won't regress,
so writing these feelings
and maybe the same song
I would keep bumbling
till I know I'm next on the way

Till I know
I've you tuned in
and listening to what I have to say

I know
what you may have to say to it
I wish it could change
the way I look at you
or about you, feel

But something within tells me
what I feel is deep
and what I feel
is how I intend for it to be
and I wish someday
if it is meant to be,
it will seep into your being too...

Not wanting love is loving
not heeding no's is loving
not pleading in woes is loving
and well what's better
than living in love
and not writhing in pain
for that feeling is what makes it sure

A lot like love or I wouldn't know of anything pure...

Thanks to love people lose their way
thanks to hope
they continue to float away
and to their make
and the maker
to the giver and the taker
to the hurt and the faker

so many alibi's and yet not a purer form
any emotion could take

Blink to think and stop to gaze
look up above and the sky's
a changing place
and looking within the heartbeat that churns
the melody of what if's and maybe's
and dreams come alive
look underneath the feet
and even the timid heart has wings to fly
and the mighty then rule the day

Sure, nowhere fast but slowing ebbing away...

Death at a funeral

I went to a funeral today
I had nothing better to do
I wept and cried among the scores
the reason for my fears,
I wish I knew

I cried perhaps for the one who left
If I would have been happy with her around
I wish I could let her know
or hold it within well enough
till we both could become so sure...

The tears seemed to ease their pain
for me they served up an alibi
a forum to grieve amongst the grieving
and writhe amongst those wry

The grief of losing
we all know too well
but till it hurts
you don't feel it come alive

Living in truth is acceptably blurred to all
till we all get too disconcerted by lies

The dead ask me, whose more alive?
The dead task me their lies
and those alive aghast at their sins
and bury the truth again

Am wondering how many are dead here
and for how many can I cry

I know death comes to all
and someday it'll turn up this road too
blind curves, as many of those around
as they are

They say death puts things up
that life couldn't show
She said the same thing
and now I wonder as to how did she know

Something precious whenever gives way
you look around more concerned
towards the things and those that did stay
and thank God
for you aren't the one
attending a funeral today.

Yesterday once more...

I turn 25 tonight

and the hands of the clock begin to glow

I'm wishing for another year of lasting cheer

as the ones gone by begin to unfold

from my grasp

I gear up for another year of might

even as the pages from my memory unfold

Stories and secrets, laughter

and teardrops,

slowly I begin to lose the sense of time,

my perspective of present, and the light of today

and turn back to the days that were inane...

To all the places now unheard,

to all the faces now unseen

and instead of counting candles,

I roll back to my formative years

Thinking about the memories

passing years can never mar,

Experiences aplenty, great and small

Conversations, many and scrabbled,

Some brief and others coiled

and a lasting sense of nonchalance

that's now purpose...

The smell of morning dew

and every other thought now old

but seemingly new

Even all my birthdays

seemingly come alive,

the incense of the cakes

and every wish I did ever make,

Ah! the wishfully spent nights...

Repeated with exuberance, expressions bliss,

I don't think I'd change anything,

what would I do without you,

my years...

Early morning sun and the midnight moon

bring me the stars that I'd watch till noon

Show me the pictures of my dreamy days

Oh! but I don't day dream anymore...

I look back into my being today

and I don't think I can quite sure

of anything more than this

It's yesterday once more...

25 gone and 75 and more to know

Hold me now, dear life,

I embrace you and I'm in full flow

I'm turning back time and

the child within me is not wanting to grow...

 

 Disclosure

in order to gauge

the wetness in the rain

I felt and drowned into

the mercy of pain

to ride the clouds

above so high

I went and leapt

and fetched my flight- the night

and I did distance myself

from you

and you did well

in lightening up again

crossed bows

with venomous spews

hard talk with

broken views

and some spite

from the rising pain

who are you

and who was I

we turn onto ourselves

to search for answers

we never looked for

when we began...

shaken faith and twisted views

what does future hold,

should we ever invest again?

what are the returns and

whose are the rewards,

and is wanting needing again?

logics to words

and reasons to meanings

the long held skyscraper

begins to lose shape

I did dream

I just never did wake...

Teardrops on strummed guitar

feeling of fall being far
the autumn healing
subdued this year
illusions, I can't see them really
and so the distances
and the widening distances
that are wholesomely near

I couldn't talk
and I wouldn't dare
might've been apart but best kept near
and I don't mind when you're here
and the stories of the sleepless nights,
the hue bound sky
and the minty wine

I wouldn't dare and I wouldn't share
holding onto everything
I'll take to what, of yours'
I have here
while basking
in what I thought to be mine

you know the songs
that were just made to rhyme
and the coils of thoughts that words
would never know or show

the twisted arm of this crooked clock
has stuck on the moment
it was made to block
the time it took
for the rain to dry
and the wind to gain what the air left up,
above, afloat, high...

the basket of confessions
in this one man truth and dare,
shared philosophies now untold and hidden
wisdom held dear

the art of music is akin to that of life
a seamless symphony attuned to a principle
that's no principle when you can't hold on tight...

Off limits

Let's take turns to call

I shall wait and you can stall
Hold and break
till it's time to rest all that at stake
and then take the fall...

Let's take time to wake

to tackle, to know,
to hide and sometimes even show
to grow and to feel,
everything's that's missing
is not all that's real

Let's take time to stall

to forgive and forget
and be someone
who doesn't know it all
to break the thought that
leads to mind and blossom a call
that stems from heart

Let's take turns to live after all

Delete

The conversations have been moved to trash
and the assertions that erred me apathetic
to any more more words of revival,
are now, out to haunt me no more

Where'd you go?
Why'd I never know?

What I'd done and
what'd that have meant to know?

The distances that earlier prolonged the joy
have now numbed me into sleep
and turning over the pages,
the old pictures
no longer make me weep

The closed door
that never slammed in my face
that last phone call
that parted our ways
and the last sight
before your entity disfigured
from my gaze

Where it hurt and where it ached
the feeling of emoting
I lost the bitterness of distaste

Goodbye, so long
It's hard to part
wish you begin to
live at once
once again

if there were things
we shared, closer
than the ones
that made us part

I'd live believing
hopelessness never did us in
We walk alongside ever day
even if the roads bend
while we cast away onto
inward shores...

stoned alone

marched to restraint
carved to hone
bated for ill fate
proven to be right
and yet when wronged,
wronged alone

cast in fragments
and wizened in haste
purported to be a fundamentalist
and risen to bitter distaste

the starry starry aztec blue
and the honed craft of a wispy night true
humbled in the din of as dewdrop high
cast atop a mountain too far to sight

blink the blurry bastion blaze
and firth the fuzzy forlorn furthering flight
and may the might muster this make
for whatever we fear losing
will always be on stake

hope in hope that dreams break at noon
and break them mild so the echo dies soon
and when you can hear it inside
you can let it go...

but it hurts when you can see,
when you see it
blow
by blow

what's the reality, who wants to know
it's in the fantasy where I have my say...

Broken Wings

Many nights, I lay here and I suffer
Many nights, I just sulk in wonder
feeding on your songs
fot knowing what went wrong

words are just superlatives
you gave your word
and we pledged to live

I believe you
I believed you

and I believed in us and everything
every time I was going down,
I knew I was losing myself
to be found
by you

Now I was not blind
but you became my eyes
I was still strong but
came and took away my lies

And I hold myself in that moment
and shed tears sometimes
words are all I have
with these moments
that now just don’t seem to rhyme

To turn back clock, I do
and I know it gets me there
wanting those shoulders
why did we get older
or move ahead to where
our decide got broken
to where our strides grew colder

At work and in the crowd back home
sometimes I just find myself alone

Not knowing who I can call my own,
not knowing anything anymore
somewhere between
not wanting to know
and not wanting anything anymore


My unsurety about life
and all the things to do with you
I call pure
I stare down the road that leads me back
to me…

Many nights I lay here in wonder
entangling further in this
spell I’m under
people around me tell me to move on
I’m not sure of progress though
If such is it’s concluding form

I pray still that no bitterness
rests in me but
I can love more certainly
whenever it comes pure

Ah I don’t think of love
I don’t think of love anymore…

शायद...

सपनों की परतों में
आसमान के साए हैं
गेहुएं इस मंज़र की तस्वीर
से बेदाराख्त मुरझाएं मौसम
भी अब अपने हमसाये हैं

खुलते-सिमटते अश्कों में हम अशफाक
एक नफीस बज्म उनकी आहटों की लाये हैं
राहों में तोह थे मोती भी
मगर जहाँ नज़र थमी
बस उसी मिटटी की रौशनी,
हम राहगीर बन सिमटे ख्यालों की कश्ती
में बशर कर पाए हैं

मिले नही जो उनसे तोह क्या ग़म
वोह हमारे न भी हो सके
तोह क्या क्या हम उनके कुछ कम हैं?

जिनसे मिले हैं उनसे कितने जुड़ पाये हैं
और जिनको खो दिया ख़ुद की खोज में
उन्हें कैसे यादों से जोड़ पाएंगे?

शायद राह में कही खो दिया ख़ुद को
और कुछ मौसम से बदले रंग
हम कुछ टूटे सपने के हमसाये हैं
कितने आसमान सर पे
और कितने धरती क़दमों पे राहगीर है

उतरती चद्ती इस मिटटी की खुस्बो में
बी हर अक्स का इक इमान है

पूछें कितने ख्यालों से?
सहमे, गुज़रे, कुछ भूले बिसरे सालों से
खोज ये ऐसी जिसमे
खोजने वाले ही सबके भुलाएं हैं

पाने के क्या मायने और खोने
पर कितनी जुस्तजू तृप्त है?
हमसे तो खोज की परिभाषा है
जिसमें जीते तोह भी पाने को
कुछ अजीम, कितनी अनमोल है

फिर चले मूँद आँखें,
पराया सपनो को
खोज में उसकी, जिसने सिखाया मतलब
ज़िन्दगी का...

Feeling this

courting the night
while growing too pally
with nothing new
holding onto shadows
while reflecting on what you said
of what I always knew

mourning in joy
for the loss in pain
standing tall in a dismantled world
passing through open windows
and closed doors again

Quite aware we're not dying
fighting with life for not trying
the ringing laughter in your lies
and the empty spaces
deep down below

what do you think?
where did the reasons go?

during the last chorus
and in the last verses,
in the background
lead me to the solo
when I'm not around

this is a sure revelation at hand
clutching at straws,
we're feigning at those in command
and crying for those
who've cried for smiles,
laughter in tears
while witness it all
mumbled in cheers

I'll admit I'm wrong
for it hurts like it's real,
bringing down every peaceful thought
I know somewhere my sanity went queer

I'll save you a last song,
if you promise to last the melody
from this night

Feeling this,
I lull the silence
to early morning echo
that starts with goodbye's

from the delusion
from the grandeur
from a muse's lullaby...

Interim

No questions tonight,
just make me believe
once more

Just shine for me
some insight
on your being
and let me explore

The iceberg of the silence
is melting the hold
on my being
and keeping me unsure...

The sunshine
that frosted while grazing
through some cold shores,
is somewhere within
just hardened by the core

But the heart, I tell you
is kind, inside out
and pure,
just more wary of dangers
and more vocal in uproar

In this uncertainty,
trying to cope
and at best, be sure
after and before
within and amidst
altercations
fast surfacing the core...

Tutoring the nascent
into a texture that's rock solid
and ad infinitum pure

The conversation
hat broke last
was wanting to be prolonged
and such was the lure
that nothingness remained
and nothing since lasted
in this mind
or waiting to begin
to fill the silence
I'm out to abhor

The shade of my truths
have a hue of you
and a taste of those thoughts
is all I have...

Dispel the gloom
that you think guards
and don't build walls
that no one can slay

Human beings
are born to love
and to all the things changing,
let's just keep this one,
this way, every step of the way...

Your song

The call brings back the sight
and in spite of what you say
these are insipid gains

Remnants of want and fear
of togetherness after shreds
of the dawn melted perpetuity
down the drain

The light that kindled the
wisp of dark greed
asking for perfection
within humble needs

Taking to hermitage
a basket full of deed

Rebellion, this soul
couldn't find its creed

Broken tales, rattled
shells and some salt
Tired wings, now set free
attuned to earthly gore

Pain of love is not in belonging
or unbelonging
but in the want
of never needing anymore...

Shut

I don't wanna speak
it disturbs the silence
I don't wanna hear
it breaks my cry
I don't wanna look beyond you
for that is a life
I'm not willing to try

Like a phone call on hold
I'm doing things I was never told
and yet am doing things
to be who I am
broken yet trying to be connected
just to be a part of my favorite clan,
your plan,
I've been dealt with my cards
and you've played yours well too

No aces up my sleeve
and no sleep up my way too

I'm counting the stars
on my way
while silently naming each one,
every night for you
and praying for that someday,
that one day,
one night, one fall and
you may see through...

I'm not a book
which you can
read as it unfolds,
wish I was though,
'cause then you'd know
my predictability is not my sin,
but a fear of dying untold...

I'm not a fear
that you can't grow out
of as you get old
I'm a shadow, black and sometimes white,
as light
from beginning to the end
following and bending
with you without might...

Measuring moments and
heightened sensation for a touch
yet hiding behind words
that you may say,
I'm closed to the world
as a box waiting
to be unraveled
as a present
for an entity alone,
special in every way...

I'd never cheat
and I never did lie
but I'm tempted to steal
what my love doesn't bring me by
My ways, I realize are unorthodox
and perhaps the reasons
that push you away too
I'm ready to change
but into what and how long
I wouldn't know
and you wouldn't put it through...

This desperation is killing me,
a sign, if so
of something or someone
not to accrue
My rigidity is giving way too,
but to further the agony,
is a narcissistic resolve,
a one-way destination road with no by lanes...

Like a loser
standing small
maybe a tad too often,
few foot small
I've been playing
by the rules
but I figured it makes sense,
for that lost has to fall

Why should I complain
A love or a legend,
I've had both and I apologize...

Somewhere deep within
I'm confused
for if I want you more
I must let you decide
and if I need you more
then I'm in a mess,
but all in all
I'm shut on this divide

Between wanting and waiting
I'm gating the tide
while taming the provocation
and bating my love and
pledging my pride...

वोह दिन...


कुछ पुराने पन्नो में
कुछ सिरहानों के तले
बदलती ज़िन्दगी के मायनों से रूबरू
हमसे नासार मौसम सो गए हैं

कुछ थे हमने संभाले
कुछ दिए थे तुम्हे
मगर इस खामोशी में सराबोर
वोह लम्हे खो गए हैं

जागती सी कुछ रातों
में बहकती हवा के इशारों पे
मुन्तज़र हम खो गए हैं

यादों में तुम्हे तलाशते
और तुम में ख़ुद को खोजते
हम कितनी रातें रो गए हैं
पाने चले थे प्यार ज़िन्दगी में
और ज़िन्दगी के हो कर रह गए हैं

मगर आज यह दीवार
मैं गिराता हूँ
तुम्हे भूलने की कोशिश में नाकामयाब
तुम्हे ख़ुद के और भी करीब पाता हूँ

न कहता हूँ
न खामोश बन सह जाता हूँ
कुछ मन में बुदबुदाते
ख्यालों को सपनों में जगाता हूँ

उन दिनों की खोज में
कुछ गुमसुम रातों में
जब जाता हूँ दरवाज़े पे दस्तक देती
तुम्हारी हर याद से मैं मिल जाता हूँ

भावनाओं ने कुछ कहा है तुमसे
और उस जागते अतीत से
जिससे मुखातिब हैं कुछ थमी साँसे
हमारे बिताये हुए पल कुछ ऐसे ही हैं

खामोश पानी पे बिखरे
मोतियों के समान
ज़िन्दगी के तराजू पे तुलता
खोया हर एक अरमान...

Closure

Hanging onto feelings
in my mind
turning the pages
with eyes closed
hoping to find changes
with none in my heart

Searching for peace
in a soulful rhyme
with messed up words
that don't mean anything divine
I gravitate towards your being,
helpless and blind,
looking for love
I've been hoping forever
to find

Like the first and
last feeling of its kind,
the abysmal hope
that I cannot share or bind

Never hoping for reality
and never letting the magic
cast off its spell, sleeping dreamy
and waking up blind

Clouds and thoughts,
poems and rhymes
Amusing myself on account of the master
and bemused at myself
for a better want or find...

Accused of haunting my mind
with the unattained
prioritized on my mind,
fighting a lost battle
with victory of my kind

They said I need closure
but it's this chapter
that I'm striving for intellect
and moreso love to define...

Two face

Sometimes its only an escape

that can save the day

or save you an emotion

you'd not easily

be able to displace

Sometimes there is no grace,

lasting displeasure

and in no one's eyes

can you picture the gaze

Bitter distaste

of a tear that ran dry

or the mortal fear of

the time's turning page

How do you know,

its never clear

When a reason for happiness

silences laughter to tears

The reasons a heart

has to keep things sacred,

emotions cold and hatred burning in deep
are the same

that add pleasure to sanity,

memory to happiness

and plant affection in heaps

The roll of the dice;

faces aplenty and little

need for disguise

one entity,

how long can it survive?

There is convergence tonight