Shut

I don't wanna speak
it disturbs the silence
I don't wanna hear
it breaks my cry
I don't wanna look beyond you
for that is a life
I'm not willing to try

Like a phone call on hold
I'm doing things I was never told
and yet am doing things
to be who I am
broken yet trying to be connected
just to be a part of my favorite clan,
your plan,
I've been dealt with my cards
and you've played yours well too

No aces up my sleeve
and no sleep up my way too

I'm counting the stars
on my way
while silently naming each one,
every night for you
and praying for that someday,
that one day,
one night, one fall and
you may see through...

I'm not a book
which you can
read as it unfolds,
wish I was though,
'cause then you'd know
my predictability is not my sin,
but a fear of dying untold...

I'm not a fear
that you can't grow out
of as you get old
I'm a shadow, black and sometimes white,
as light
from beginning to the end
following and bending
with you without might...

Measuring moments and
heightened sensation for a touch
yet hiding behind words
that you may say,
I'm closed to the world
as a box waiting
to be unraveled
as a present
for an entity alone,
special in every way...

I'd never cheat
and I never did lie
but I'm tempted to steal
what my love doesn't bring me by
My ways, I realize are unorthodox
and perhaps the reasons
that push you away too
I'm ready to change
but into what and how long
I wouldn't know
and you wouldn't put it through...

This desperation is killing me,
a sign, if so
of something or someone
not to accrue
My rigidity is giving way too,
but to further the agony,
is a narcissistic resolve,
a one-way destination road with no by lanes...

Like a loser
standing small
maybe a tad too often,
few foot small
I've been playing
by the rules
but I figured it makes sense,
for that lost has to fall

Why should I complain
A love or a legend,
I've had both and I apologize...

Somewhere deep within
I'm confused
for if I want you more
I must let you decide
and if I need you more
then I'm in a mess,
but all in all
I'm shut on this divide

Between wanting and waiting
I'm gating the tide
while taming the provocation
and bating my love and
pledging my pride...