Shut

I don't wanna speak
it disturbs the silence
I don't wanna hear
it breaks my cry
I don't wanna look beyond you
for that is a life
I'm not willing to try

Like a phone call on hold
I'm doing things I was never told
and yet am doing things
to be who I am
broken yet trying to be connected
just to be a part of my favorite clan,
your plan,
I've been dealt with my cards
and you've played yours well too

No aces up my sleeve
and no sleep up my way too

I'm counting the stars
on my way
while silently naming each one,
every night for you
and praying for that someday,
that one day,
one night, one fall and
you may see through...

I'm not a book
which you can
read as it unfolds,
wish I was though,
'cause then you'd know
my predictability is not my sin,
but a fear of dying untold...

I'm not a fear
that you can't grow out
of as you get old
I'm a shadow, black and sometimes white,
as light
from beginning to the end
following and bending
with you without might...

Measuring moments and
heightened sensation for a touch
yet hiding behind words
that you may say,
I'm closed to the world
as a box waiting
to be unraveled
as a present
for an entity alone,
special in every way...

I'd never cheat
and I never did lie
but I'm tempted to steal
what my love doesn't bring me by
My ways, I realize are unorthodox
and perhaps the reasons
that push you away too
I'm ready to change
but into what and how long
I wouldn't know
and you wouldn't put it through...

This desperation is killing me,
a sign, if so
of something or someone
not to accrue
My rigidity is giving way too,
but to further the agony,
is a narcissistic resolve,
a one-way destination road with no by lanes...

Like a loser
standing small
maybe a tad too often,
few foot small
I've been playing
by the rules
but I figured it makes sense,
for that lost has to fall

Why should I complain
A love or a legend,
I've had both and I apologize...

Somewhere deep within
I'm confused
for if I want you more
I must let you decide
and if I need you more
then I'm in a mess,
but all in all
I'm shut on this divide

Between wanting and waiting
I'm gating the tide
while taming the provocation
and bating my love and
pledging my pride...

वोह दिन...


कुछ पुराने पन्नो में
कुछ सिरहानों के तले
बदलती ज़िन्दगी के मायनों से रूबरू
हमसे नासार मौसम सो गए हैं

कुछ थे हमने संभाले
कुछ दिए थे तुम्हे
मगर इस खामोशी में सराबोर
वोह लम्हे खो गए हैं

जागती सी कुछ रातों
में बहकती हवा के इशारों पे
मुन्तज़र हम खो गए हैं

यादों में तुम्हे तलाशते
और तुम में ख़ुद को खोजते
हम कितनी रातें रो गए हैं
पाने चले थे प्यार ज़िन्दगी में
और ज़िन्दगी के हो कर रह गए हैं

मगर आज यह दीवार
मैं गिराता हूँ
तुम्हे भूलने की कोशिश में नाकामयाब
तुम्हे ख़ुद के और भी करीब पाता हूँ

न कहता हूँ
न खामोश बन सह जाता हूँ
कुछ मन में बुदबुदाते
ख्यालों को सपनों में जगाता हूँ

उन दिनों की खोज में
कुछ गुमसुम रातों में
जब जाता हूँ दरवाज़े पे दस्तक देती
तुम्हारी हर याद से मैं मिल जाता हूँ

भावनाओं ने कुछ कहा है तुमसे
और उस जागते अतीत से
जिससे मुखातिब हैं कुछ थमी साँसे
हमारे बिताये हुए पल कुछ ऐसे ही हैं

खामोश पानी पे बिखरे
मोतियों के समान
ज़िन्दगी के तराजू पे तुलता
खोया हर एक अरमान...

Closure

Hanging onto feelings
in my mind
turning the pages
with eyes closed
hoping to find changes
with none in my heart

Searching for peace
in a soulful rhyme
with messed up words
that don't mean anything divine
I gravitate towards your being,
helpless and blind,
looking for love
I've been hoping forever
to find

Like the first and
last feeling of its kind,
the abysmal hope
that I cannot share or bind

Never hoping for reality
and never letting the magic
cast off its spell, sleeping dreamy
and waking up blind

Clouds and thoughts,
poems and rhymes
Amusing myself on account of the master
and bemused at myself
for a better want or find...

Accused of haunting my mind
with the unattained
prioritized on my mind,
fighting a lost battle
with victory of my kind

They said I need closure
but it's this chapter
that I'm striving for intellect
and moreso love to define...