Committed to life

I love to love
and so much so
letting go
drives me insane
I love to feel
so much so
nonchalance
terms me inane
I love to hold
so much no
nothingness
makes me feel obsolete

I love to live and
live to love
and
yet no love
is love enough
to feel
To feel no love
is love enough
to steal no moment is
ever complete enough
to writhe
though there is life
to die a thousand deaths
there needs to be a thousand lives..

For life is made
from
a lot of moments
and
life for me
has just turned true
looking upto you
Standing there, smiling
in the stillness
trapped
in the frozen dew
Standing out
far away from
any queue
Looking within
I only see you
I know you don't
feel this way
I hope
for
you though
to say
and, not be this way
It doesn't deter me
I still breathe
waking up in the same old corner
everyday

I love to steal
and so much so
I stole
my happiness from you,
oh life ..
You made my view,
neat, pretty, dear and new
I wouldn't close
my eyes to the world
if I hadn't
lived so much
in those moments
seemingly few

I love to dream
and all my dreams
I would live
to see
them through,
my wishes for you
To kiss dissipation away
and
to find
no one else like you
I love to see
if this way
it'd still be,
the same
if I would be there
and
not here, without you

I, narrating my ways
and you the center
of my transfixed gaze
I'd love to wish
How I wish, if wishing could
bring some wishes true
I would wish
you for myself
and
a lifetime
for us true

I'd love to die
if it shows me
the impact death
has over life
martyr bringing out love
from
forlorn corners of
watery eyes

I'd walk through clouds
and
I drown deep

into the vast blue
I know yet
no search

would bring me
closer
to what I already knew
The essence of loving
and living

continues even

as we fail to
With what I've got
and
waking up

to everything untrue

I do what brings
insanity victorious
over pain, I owe this
to my originator and
masters of the game

I love to smile
so much so that
it radiates on all faces
just seemingly alive
I love to hide
to see what life is without
pain
only to know
pain, more than happiness
pushes me to fight

I love to scream
so much so

that it'd be heard
worldwide
and

yet not make sense
Deaf ears listen

to the voice inside

I dont think

reasons bring out meaning
if they do

then it is no life
Understanding
of subconscious

spreads my belief wide

I made a list of things

I would want to do
things to say

and

the love to sing

that'd take me through

Love, though is not

from where it begins
love is not, not where it does start
love is love,

best described when
everything seems beautiful from the heart

Freefalling

To let go of freedom
and hold thoughts captive
To reach acclaim
and keep the insanity active
The awake into disaster
and regain dreaming by midnight

To not let
the misery get to you
to keep mediocrity out of view
things that become
out of reach,
what we wish then
is all that's offered
'in lieu'

The voices call and
they want to take over
the memory falls
and it wants to play longer
as I stand and wait for a
cue,
a resolution no longer in view

I hope you know
when anger gets to us all
we can sulk and take it out
or fall
But when we look around
there wouldn't still be anything
new
in longing up late
or lately longing, for so long
Can you make the screams
heard to those far away?

I say nothing
I do nothing
I wait for it to disappear
I hold nothing
I fear nothing
I am entrenched in darkness
ear to ear

Oh Emily!
Rose may then but be a rose
but life is far too rosy
for sweet prose
Every rose has its thorns
and
every happiness is also armed

I'll tell you the deal
nothings meant to be real
and
what's being built will
eventually give way,
the statues will lie
and those passing
by will cry,
tell loved ones
stop living in fear!

Yet nobody seems to get it
No, they still don't
have a clue
everybody whispers
egg faced, not knowing
that while falling
splendid is the view ..

Storm

Calm rupture for the umpteenth time
not dismissed casually as divine
Contemptuous to the causality
fast melting the transient
effervescently thrifting
sanity from the madman's burrow

Looking within for false hope
transcending the irreverent for the benign
Looking wayward for signs
faltering following the straight line
best left debilitated at the doorstep of whine
benumbed and aloof, never ready in time

For what is to be, has now come to be
what was then true is now a subject of mystery
What lies ahead, what lies within
what doesn't lie here is what emanates the grim

The truth, not sweet, the lies not true
the prerogative fast melting
with moments intermittent
certitude losing cue

The end of something,
why beginning of something new..?
neophyte's serendipity capsuling pioneer fate
every time I let you go,
I let go of myself too

Yet this to and fro is far too monstrous
soaking me through and through

Here it ends and the

lull begins,
the aftermath of storm
on both sides
causalities sidelined,
rationale into the blue

When I find out the reasons

I know it wouldn't be

far from the truth
I will find the way
not twice would I

need to search

when I begin to realize

there is no 'me'

whenever there is .. you

Time


The one who taught me
the value of time
the space between hands
and
the circular dial
that revolves everything
mortal or divine

Sadly she ain't here today
If she was, she would be proud
of the way
I didn't let eternity slip
I captured the seasons,
fast trickling while you were away

time passed away ...

Time passed away
and when for those moments
you will return
you'll find me holding
the precious
priceless piece of urn

Only growing will then be that yearn
the insinuation of unlearning
that burn
and
no longer feeling lost or concerned..

The chronology tells me
its time for me
too, to go
to leave behind and
no longer stem the flow

Life lived blow by blow
dispelling
more moments, disheveling the
time fuse
and letting the spark glow

Aeons ago, they said it did seep
and mother earth took in
every drop of weep
but no longer it hold
another mortal cry
and
tears I spill for you
would lingering in front of me lie

Generation to an instance called life
the beginning and ad infinitum of
what either failed to surmise
The silence can no longer amuse
or stage what
not being said

words not said become words wishfully unsaid

Time through the hourglass
flowing vividly, the slipstream
I wish time did show
what with time
we are out to seek

for time is a passing picture
of not being able to hold
what guilty bred, swollen thoughts
didn't let you reap ..

and there

you see, is where
hands hold up and keep moving
right when you need them
they strike that blow

Hear that gong, time's up .. gotta go!

Wanting, Waiting


It hangs in balance
the truth and the silence
the hope and the defiance

The perspective and the myth
and what the mind said
to the heart,
but it never did rhyme
for waiting though
still feels fine

just knowing what I hold is mine ..

Long December chill
will only turn uphill
and searching within I would
no longer find ..

A ball of white
filled with all its grey
or even searching for a 'no'
I'm seeking to resign..

this knocking, I wish was momentary
but there is as much
laughter and life
as there is grief
none too much, nor brief

The sun moves to its peak
without a whisper or a tweak
the night begins and merges
seamlessly into another day

the path between the drifts
just seems to grow
of knowing that it will shower
when you no longer want it to show

when you know
the waiting has just begun
the winter will still turn to sun
and every despair will be
melting in the weeks that
will drive long past ..

As you know
who you need,
its not enough to aspire
and
theres no doubt you've come
so close
as you hold onto a belief
without letting the truth know..

from the curtains, the picture
emerges out slow
the dream that you seek
is out there and
and all those hindrances
would still grow

the wait is love and love
then is all you need or know ..

Return to Innocence


The lovely little youthful days
the merry melancholy of indulgence
in persistence of the
mellow ways
catching feathers through summers
and
flying winters through windows
bedridden for days

I know not when I set out for
the shadows and left behind
the sun's rays
I accept not what my eyes
fail to show
I fear more things now, than I've seen
even, in places I wouldn't ever go

I hold out lies and don't feel
bad that god will count my sins
I hold my cries and don't feel sad
because thats what they do
and I am now a part of them

I polish my shoes
I clean my dress
I wake myself from sleep
and no longer fret
longing for any dress

I know where each road leads
where it turns and
why it bends
I know not which one
takes me out of the mess

I've outlived building blocks
and scraps of paper,
my companions of the day
I work on horizons now
ones that show me
more options that I ever could
think of, want or be in need of
I'd say

I was happy with my twig
it kept me busy all day
I was all at ease
in that mid summer heat
Until the spoilsport weather
revealed more shades
and made me sway ..

The comforts of life
now break my stride
The broom of time
swept me off my feet,
and threw my tears far in too deep

Leaving within
what I couldn't live with then or today

I wish I knew what to say
When to ask the sun to leave
and when to let the stars work their way..

I wish I'd have remained as
fascinated and intrigued as
I was then; now
by the role of the silver green today..

I'm best bewildered
speechless, without words
expressing to my own self
what I want to say

I wish to return to nonchalance
the sanity that
never would fade away

All in the eyes of a boy,
did someone say?

My no good reason..

No reason for joy, no courage for fear
No hope dying, no living in fear
No thoughts to absolve, no voice longing my ears
just a placid mortal, switching gears

Between a bridge to juncture
amongst the moments
that stray all thoughts,
driving me there

I drive down
the road less traveled
to pull out what I
once sought ..

A land not found within,
where wishes are no yesteryears
A place not far to reach
if traveling is a solution to all fears

There ain’t no reason why
no reason why things are this way
Its how they've always been
and for all I know, they intend to stay

If I could I would but I can't explain
why we live this way, we choose to
we do, everyday

Saints and sinners praying
and pledging their way
morgues and synagogues
ensembling their stakes.
In the world without retakes
the power of belief
can bring alive many a things
seemingly fake ..

The old and new, the grimaced and
the undead
All longing for the basket,
knowing not, they taste the same
A pigeon on the window with a broken wing,
waiting for his swansong, his turn to sing
and a prowling cat insensitive to his plea

No reason, none to defer the logic today
Just to have it taken away.

People walk around and keep walking away
turn to glance whats left behind
and walk faster to leave it at bay
Does everything between
life and death matter
if they decide the fate of everything anyway?

Every little heartbeat and
every inch of life in the breath,
If its reason enough to make
us do what we calling living everyday?
To walk with logics dangling on the razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred
with weapons that never let the pain tread
It could be a bomb, a bullet or a pen
Oh mighty heart, it hurts
when you know, why you must begin..

Love will show us the reason, they say
Bah, humbug! the four word slayer
will take all that we build each day
and step, all the way
take it all away
No reason I see why that should ever be

There ain’t no reason why,
no reason why things are this way
Its how they've always been
and for all I know, they intend to stay

Everything that comes
before you could call
and everything else
that never came that way
Some things never change
A change for example
could do with one right away

A sweet word to blasphemise
the truth and renounce
disbelief, protruding menace
subtly anyway

The comfort of the air
or the feeling of firm footing
emanating from absence of a being
would I care to write if
I'd not stop for you to ponder and think
and yet I know
right here it'll lie ..

I search for meaning to these things,
thoughts that I refuse to let go
I search for memories
that I know someday
will hinder my flow and
every reason that may exhibit
affinity to life
will make memory loaded with years
those lived back, and forth in arrears ..

There ain’t no reason why,
no reason why, things have to weigh
so high on our scales
that life loses its play
Its how they've always been
and for all I know, they may still stay
until a no good reason comes
and makes it go away ...

Amazing Grace


I caressed her loving hands devotedly
She let me examine
them patiently
before taking a look at my face,
deciphering it nimbly
like it was always so there, the artist she was
I felt her reach out through the space
and caress what was never in place

I stopped her, I did
and yet she let it graze
Her hands, more mature than I recall
appeared more tender
than her true age.

They were like two eyes
sensing every ounce of my grimace
hands of a real artist
searching for shelter in a desolate place

Suddenly
I knew I'd been indifferent too long
Impaled in self-disgust and
unable to run or belong
I turned my face away from her
to look at life without her trace

When she asked if she'd upset me
I whirled round for an embrace
but far too well ridden,
self reflecting on my rage
I had seen this moment
and lived it,
much before it actually took place

Shocked but tolerant,
she absorbed it all
without a freckle contorting on her face
Putting her arm to close my eyes
she made me see
What I had made, all around me

She turned it away so I could see
and all of it appeared
everything I wished for, with
all that I never wanted to be

Owning me when I was surrogate
she lit what was diffused to dissipate
" Nothing's wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be "