Broken Wings

Many nights, I lay here and I suffer
Many nights, I just sulk in wonder
feeding on your songs
fot knowing what went wrong

words are just superlatives
you gave your word
and we pledged to live

I believe you
I believed you

and I believed in us and everything
every time I was going down,
I knew I was losing myself
to be found
by you

Now I was not blind
but you became my eyes
I was still strong but
came and took away my lies

And I hold myself in that moment
and shed tears sometimes
words are all I have
with these moments
that now just don’t seem to rhyme

To turn back clock, I do
and I know it gets me there
wanting those shoulders
why did we get older
or move ahead to where
our decide got broken
to where our strides grew colder

At work and in the crowd back home
sometimes I just find myself alone

Not knowing who I can call my own,
not knowing anything anymore
somewhere between
not wanting to know
and not wanting anything anymore


My unsurety about life
and all the things to do with you
I call pure
I stare down the road that leads me back
to me…

Many nights I lay here in wonder
entangling further in this
spell I’m under
people around me tell me to move on
I’m not sure of progress though
If such is it’s concluding form

I pray still that no bitterness
rests in me but
I can love more certainly
whenever it comes pure

Ah I don’t think of love
I don’t think of love anymore…

शायद...

सपनों की परतों में
आसमान के साए हैं
गेहुएं इस मंज़र की तस्वीर
से बेदाराख्त मुरझाएं मौसम
भी अब अपने हमसाये हैं

खुलते-सिमटते अश्कों में हम अशफाक
एक नफीस बज्म उनकी आहटों की लाये हैं
राहों में तोह थे मोती भी
मगर जहाँ नज़र थमी
बस उसी मिटटी की रौशनी,
हम राहगीर बन सिमटे ख्यालों की कश्ती
में बशर कर पाए हैं

मिले नही जो उनसे तोह क्या ग़म
वोह हमारे न भी हो सके
तोह क्या क्या हम उनके कुछ कम हैं?

जिनसे मिले हैं उनसे कितने जुड़ पाये हैं
और जिनको खो दिया ख़ुद की खोज में
उन्हें कैसे यादों से जोड़ पाएंगे?

शायद राह में कही खो दिया ख़ुद को
और कुछ मौसम से बदले रंग
हम कुछ टूटे सपने के हमसाये हैं
कितने आसमान सर पे
और कितने धरती क़दमों पे राहगीर है

उतरती चद्ती इस मिटटी की खुस्बो में
बी हर अक्स का इक इमान है

पूछें कितने ख्यालों से?
सहमे, गुज़रे, कुछ भूले बिसरे सालों से
खोज ये ऐसी जिसमे
खोजने वाले ही सबके भुलाएं हैं

पाने के क्या मायने और खोने
पर कितनी जुस्तजू तृप्त है?
हमसे तो खोज की परिभाषा है
जिसमें जीते तोह भी पाने को
कुछ अजीम, कितनी अनमोल है

फिर चले मूँद आँखें,
पराया सपनो को
खोज में उसकी, जिसने सिखाया मतलब
ज़िन्दगी का...

Feeling this

courting the night
while growing too pally
with nothing new
holding onto shadows
while reflecting on what you said
of what I always knew

mourning in joy
for the loss in pain
standing tall in a dismantled world
passing through open windows
and closed doors again

Quite aware we're not dying
fighting with life for not trying
the ringing laughter in your lies
and the empty spaces
deep down below

what do you think?
where did the reasons go?

during the last chorus
and in the last verses,
in the background
lead me to the solo
when I'm not around

this is a sure revelation at hand
clutching at straws,
we're feigning at those in command
and crying for those
who've cried for smiles,
laughter in tears
while witness it all
mumbled in cheers

I'll admit I'm wrong
for it hurts like it's real,
bringing down every peaceful thought
I know somewhere my sanity went queer

I'll save you a last song,
if you promise to last the melody
from this night

Feeling this,
I lull the silence
to early morning echo
that starts with goodbye's

from the delusion
from the grandeur
from a muse's lullaby...

Interim

No questions tonight,
just make me believe
once more

Just shine for me
some insight
on your being
and let me explore

The iceberg of the silence
is melting the hold
on my being
and keeping me unsure...

The sunshine
that frosted while grazing
through some cold shores,
is somewhere within
just hardened by the core

But the heart, I tell you
is kind, inside out
and pure,
just more wary of dangers
and more vocal in uproar

In this uncertainty,
trying to cope
and at best, be sure
after and before
within and amidst
altercations
fast surfacing the core...

Tutoring the nascent
into a texture that's rock solid
and ad infinitum pure

The conversation
hat broke last
was wanting to be prolonged
and such was the lure
that nothingness remained
and nothing since lasted
in this mind
or waiting to begin
to fill the silence
I'm out to abhor

The shade of my truths
have a hue of you
and a taste of those thoughts
is all I have...

Dispel the gloom
that you think guards
and don't build walls
that no one can slay

Human beings
are born to love
and to all the things changing,
let's just keep this one,
this way, every step of the way...

Your song

The call brings back the sight
and in spite of what you say
these are insipid gains

Remnants of want and fear
of togetherness after shreds
of the dawn melted perpetuity
down the drain

The light that kindled the
wisp of dark greed
asking for perfection
within humble needs

Taking to hermitage
a basket full of deed

Rebellion, this soul
couldn't find its creed

Broken tales, rattled
shells and some salt
Tired wings, now set free
attuned to earthly gore

Pain of love is not in belonging
or unbelonging
but in the want
of never needing anymore...

Shut

I don't wanna speak
it disturbs the silence
I don't wanna hear
it breaks my cry
I don't wanna look beyond you
for that is a life
I'm not willing to try

Like a phone call on hold
I'm doing things I was never told
and yet am doing things
to be who I am
broken yet trying to be connected
just to be a part of my favorite clan,
your plan,
I've been dealt with my cards
and you've played yours well too

No aces up my sleeve
and no sleep up my way too

I'm counting the stars
on my way
while silently naming each one,
every night for you
and praying for that someday,
that one day,
one night, one fall and
you may see through...

I'm not a book
which you can
read as it unfolds,
wish I was though,
'cause then you'd know
my predictability is not my sin,
but a fear of dying untold...

I'm not a fear
that you can't grow out
of as you get old
I'm a shadow, black and sometimes white,
as light
from beginning to the end
following and bending
with you without might...

Measuring moments and
heightened sensation for a touch
yet hiding behind words
that you may say,
I'm closed to the world
as a box waiting
to be unraveled
as a present
for an entity alone,
special in every way...

I'd never cheat
and I never did lie
but I'm tempted to steal
what my love doesn't bring me by
My ways, I realize are unorthodox
and perhaps the reasons
that push you away too
I'm ready to change
but into what and how long
I wouldn't know
and you wouldn't put it through...

This desperation is killing me,
a sign, if so
of something or someone
not to accrue
My rigidity is giving way too,
but to further the agony,
is a narcissistic resolve,
a one-way destination road with no by lanes...

Like a loser
standing small
maybe a tad too often,
few foot small
I've been playing
by the rules
but I figured it makes sense,
for that lost has to fall

Why should I complain
A love or a legend,
I've had both and I apologize...

Somewhere deep within
I'm confused
for if I want you more
I must let you decide
and if I need you more
then I'm in a mess,
but all in all
I'm shut on this divide

Between wanting and waiting
I'm gating the tide
while taming the provocation
and bating my love and
pledging my pride...

वोह दिन...


कुछ पुराने पन्नो में
कुछ सिरहानों के तले
बदलती ज़िन्दगी के मायनों से रूबरू
हमसे नासार मौसम सो गए हैं

कुछ थे हमने संभाले
कुछ दिए थे तुम्हे
मगर इस खामोशी में सराबोर
वोह लम्हे खो गए हैं

जागती सी कुछ रातों
में बहकती हवा के इशारों पे
मुन्तज़र हम खो गए हैं

यादों में तुम्हे तलाशते
और तुम में ख़ुद को खोजते
हम कितनी रातें रो गए हैं
पाने चले थे प्यार ज़िन्दगी में
और ज़िन्दगी के हो कर रह गए हैं

मगर आज यह दीवार
मैं गिराता हूँ
तुम्हे भूलने की कोशिश में नाकामयाब
तुम्हे ख़ुद के और भी करीब पाता हूँ

न कहता हूँ
न खामोश बन सह जाता हूँ
कुछ मन में बुदबुदाते
ख्यालों को सपनों में जगाता हूँ

उन दिनों की खोज में
कुछ गुमसुम रातों में
जब जाता हूँ दरवाज़े पे दस्तक देती
तुम्हारी हर याद से मैं मिल जाता हूँ

भावनाओं ने कुछ कहा है तुमसे
और उस जागते अतीत से
जिससे मुखातिब हैं कुछ थमी साँसे
हमारे बिताये हुए पल कुछ ऐसे ही हैं

खामोश पानी पे बिखरे
मोतियों के समान
ज़िन्दगी के तराजू पे तुलता
खोया हर एक अरमान...

Closure

Hanging onto feelings
in my mind
turning the pages
with eyes closed
hoping to find changes
with none in my heart

Searching for peace
in a soulful rhyme
with messed up words
that don't mean anything divine
I gravitate towards your being,
helpless and blind,
looking for love
I've been hoping forever
to find

Like the first and
last feeling of its kind,
the abysmal hope
that I cannot share or bind

Never hoping for reality
and never letting the magic
cast off its spell, sleeping dreamy
and waking up blind

Clouds and thoughts,
poems and rhymes
Amusing myself on account of the master
and bemused at myself
for a better want or find...

Accused of haunting my mind
with the unattained
prioritized on my mind,
fighting a lost battle
with victory of my kind

They said I need closure
but it's this chapter
that I'm striving for intellect
and moreso love to define...